Signs of Covert Narcissistic Abuse: How to Spot the Sneaky Tactics
You might have heard the term ‘covert narcissistic abuse’, but what exactly does it mean? Covert narcissistic abuse refers to behaviours by a narcissist that is more hidden and difficult to spot. They are sneaky tactics used by a narcissist who displays predominantly covert rather than overt behaviours. It is easier for a covert narcissist to go undisguised. They can easily be mistaken for being a genuine person. The covert narcissist is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and it is when you escape them that you realise what you are dealing with. They are highly skilled at manipulating in subtle ways and playing the victim. In this article, I will explain the signs of covert narcissistic abuse and how to spot the sneaky tactics.
Signs of covert narcissistic abuse: the use of a sob story
Covert narcissists typically have a victim complex. One of the first signs of covert narcissistic abuse is the use of a sob story. If someone you meet for the first time is telling you a sob story, be weary because it could be a covert narcissist. The story could be anything that elicits sympathy. It could be something tragic that has happened in their life that they use to capitalise on. Specifically, this could be losing someone, a relationship breakup, or estrangement from family members. Signs of covert narcissistic abuse involve them presenting this story upon meeting them and feeling empathic toward them. The covert narcissist will tell this story right away upon meeting them, perhaps on the first or second date.
The use of a sob story draws you in and allows the narcissist to play the victim from the get-go. Their life is so hard, and their woe is me attitude makes you feel sorry for them. Feeling sorry for them allows them to control you more easily. Indeed, the victim complex is there from the beginning and will become a defining feature throughout the encounter. Utilising the sob story, they can seek sympathy even when they behave poorly. The sob story is something they will dig up time and time again. Be wary of the sob story because people with healthy boundaries don’t reveal intimate details about their lives early on.
Going above and beyond in the beginning
Beware of the person who goes above and beyond in the beginning. Signs of covert narcissistic abuse will begin in this manner, with the covert narcissist being highly accommodating toward you. They will make you feel like they are going out of their way for you because they are “genuine” and care for you. That is why I say that the covert narcissist can easily be mistaken for being a genuine person. They can have the skills to come across this way, and if you’ve met non-committal types who couldn’t care less, the covert narcissist can be convincing in their act.
The simple truth is that genuine people don’t need to go above and beyond as the covert narcissist does. The covert narcissist is doing so as a manipulation to draw you into their web of deceit. Genuine people display respect, unlike the covert narcissist, who goes above and beyond while simultaneously tearing you down. If you still can’t tell the difference, always trust your gut. If something feels too good to be true – it most likely is.
The use of putdowns and backhanded compliments
Signs of covert narcissistic abuse include the use of putdowns. These can be in the form of backhanded compliments, subtle insults, and outright insults. It can also be walking ahead of you to make you feel small and assert their superiority. Backhanded compliments are when they say something nice to you while simultaneously putting you down. It seems like a compliment, but it is an insult in the same breath. The covert narcissist is more likely to use subtle insults, yet they can utilise outright insults on occasion. They will use subtle tactics more often because this is how they operate – covertly, making it harder to detect the abuse.
People can spend years and even decades in an entrapment with a covert narcissist. Because of how hidden it can be, it can go undetected. These insults aren’t just a one-off. It is a pattern from the beginning until the end. Covert narcissists are always looking for opportunities to assert their superiority over people, and insults and backhanded compliments are a way to achieve it. The covert narcissist can be highly flattering in the love-bombing stage, so when they do insult you, it is easy to dismiss it and develop abuse amnesia. If someone starts insulting you, walk the other way. Respect should be the bare minimum in any relationship.
Signs of covert narcissistic abuse: passive-aggressive behaviour
One of the telltale signs of covert narcissistic abuse is passive-aggressive behaviour. The passive aggression reveals itself slowly as the mask begins to slip in the devaluation cycle of abuse. Passive-aggressive behaviour can be a wide range of behaviours. It could be the silent treatment when you ask them for accountability. Perhaps they use sarcasm in conversation or sabotage special events like birthdays and holidays. They might be late, sulk, or use behaviours like gaslighting, stonewalling, dog-whistling, or invite you out to insult you in front of people. There are many different ways that covert narcissists will use passive-aggressive behaviour to manipulate and humiliate their targets.
Passive-aggressive behaviour can be tricky to identify because it makes you feel like the one at fault. When you ask someone for accountability on something and get the silent treatment, it makes you feel unreasonable for asking. Using sarcasm or sabotaging important events makes you believe you deserve such treatment. Manipulative behaviours like sulking and gaslighting make you feel sorry for the narcissist and question yourself. Simply put – passive aggression is how covert narcissists control others to their desires and put the blame onto others while avoiding any accountability for their actions.
Believing they are good people
Signs of covert narcissistic abuse include believing they are good people. Covert narcissists present a facade to the world of being kind and decent people, and in their deluded reality, they believe it. They might donate money to a busker on the street and then go home and insult their significant other. Or they might have quotes about kindness in their bio while tearing others down. Whatever the hypocrisy is, they believe they are good people. That is the delusional aspect of narcissism. They are blind to their blatant hypocrisy. It doesn’t compute that they aren’t the things they protest and claim to be. Don’t bother trying to tell them that either – they will accuse you of the exact thing they are.
So, what can you do about these morally bankrupt individuals who believe they are good people? I highly recommend you not engage. Don’t entertain these people in your life. Understand that delusional beliefs are a core part of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These individuals will continue to live in a deluded reality, blind to the effects their actions have on others and trailblazing through life with no reflection or personal accountability. They will smear others with zero insight or self-awareness, and no one can change it.
Signs of covert narcissistic abuse: grandiosity
Despite being covert, signs of covert narcissistic abuse still include grandiosity. All narcissists are grandiose to varying degrees. The covert narcissist is not immune from grandiosity. Deep down, they are grandiose – asserting their perceived superiority over people. Depending on whether they are more cerebral or somatic, they have to be smarter than everyone else or better looking with an enviable lifestyle. Their grandiosity is evident through the insults they use to assert their superiority and their pathological envy. Grandiosity can be more disguised behind passive aggression with the covert narcissist. However, it is still very much at the core of their being.
Being in a relationship with somebody trying to assert their superiority over you is incredibly destabilising. You need to prove yourself and beg for the bare minimum of respect, which doesn’t exist in these situations. Over time, the grandiosity of a covert narcissist, or an overt narcissist for that matter, erodes your self-esteem and self-worth. It is exhausting trying to survive in such a hostile environment, where everything is a competition, and this person is pathologically envious. That is why people walk away from these relationships feeling utterly drained in mind, body, and spirit.
Covert narcissists can cause immense damage
Just because somebody is a covert narcissist, don’t underestimate the damage these individuals can do. Covert narcissists can cause immense damage to a person and their life. It has been referred to as the frog in a boiling pot analogy, whereby the narcissist destroys you slowly over time, and you don’t realise the damage being caused. Because of their covert ways, they can go undisguised for a long time, and by the time you realise it is too late. With the covert narcissist, it can be hard to pinpoint what is wrong. You feel a sense of unease and anxiety so much of the time but feel confused because they can be nice on the surface when it suits them. Discovering the term narcissist and then covert narcissist unlocks the key to their manipulative ways.
Equipping yourself with knowledge is the first step to freeing yourself from narcissistic abuse. Then follows escaping the narcissist, committing to no contact, and closing the gap of vulnerability. It is only through the vulnerability gap that narcissists can manipulate the way they do. When we lose our vulnerabilities, develop boundary skills, and strengthen our inner selves, the narcissist becomes powerless. I have said before that knowledge and boundaries are the antidotes to abuse.
The terms covert and overt are merely guides
These are some of the signs of covert narcissistic abuse to look out for – the use of a sob story, going above and beyond in the beginning, the use of putdowns and backhanded compliments, passive-aggressive behaviour, believing they are good people, and grandiosity. Remember that the terms covert and overt are merely guides, and narcissists generally display both covert and overt behaviours. However, some narcissists are more well-disguised, and that will invariably be the covert narcissist. Once you recognise such manipulations for what they are, you can take measures to protect yourself. I’ve written about how to deal with a narcissist and set yourself free from abuse.
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