Narcissistic Triangulation: What It Is & Why They Do It

If you’ve been a victim of a narcissist, then it’s likely you’ve been subject to narcissistic triangulation. Triangulation is an insidious tactic of narcissistic abuse, which seeks to control a victim and gain narcissistic supply from their reaction. This form of manipulation is only successful when the person they are manipulating is unaware of what is happening. The key is recognising that it is a manipulation tactic to create insecurity, eroding self-worth, and having you compete with real or imagined figures. This keeps the victim under control and the narcissist in power, feeding off your emotional reaction and keeping you destabilised.

Narcissistic triangulation: what is it?

Triangulation is a weapon of a narcissist they utilise to control their victims. It is a way to communicate with their victim through a third party – creating a triangle between you, the narcissist, and the third party. They can triangulate with another person, place, pet, or object. They most commonly triangulate with another person. In a romantic relationship, they will often triangulate with one or more of their exes. Narcissistic friends tend to triangulate with other friends. In a narcissistic family dynamic, triangulation typically happens with siblings. Triangulation can include actively involving a third party or using a third party in a conversation.

Triangulation, however, does not always involve a person. For example, they might be nice to a pet while giving you the silent treatment. Or they might prefer to play video games rather than give you attention. They might prefer to play sports rather than spend time with you.

In a romantic relationship, it is not always necessarily an ex. They can triangulate with someone they’ve only met once. They can triangulate with people in public, such as neighbours or hospitality staff. Additionally, they can use co-workers, family, or friends to triangulate. Sometimes it’s major, sometimes it’s minor. But ultimately, it’s about creating a triangle of manipulation which the narcissist controls.

Signs of triangulation:

1. Comparisons to ex-partners or someone else in a favourable or unfavourable light.
2. Feeling left out and excluded by the narcissist.
3. Feelings of inadequacy.
4. The use of objects to ignore and devalue you e.g. phone, computer, pet.
5. Smear campaigns.

Overtime, these subtle manipulations erode your self-esteem and self-worth, and the narcissist has complete control over your thoughts and feelings. Through intermittent idealisation and then devaluation through triangulation, they control how you feel about yourself. The abuse cycle and triangulation can have lasting effects on your sense of self and identity. In time, they effectively erase you and make you feel like something is inherently wrong with you.

Narcissistic triangulation: why do they do it?

Narcissists do not have healthy relational patterns due to their disorder. Triangulation is a manipulation and control tactic in the narcissistic playbook. Narcissists have a fragile sense of self known as the “false self”, and they regulate themselves by controlling everyone and everything in their environment. They view life through a lens of control due to developmental trauma. Triangulation controls others by creating drama, conflict, and jealousy. They gain narcissistic supply from it, which is the emotional reaction from others that feeds and powers their false self.

Narcissists do not feel power from within; they source it externally through the emotional energy and reactions from others.

NATALIE DALY

A manipulation tactic: create insecurity, erode self-worth, and have you competing with real or imagined figures

The most important thing to understand about triangulation is that it’s not about the third party. Narcissists don’t actually care about their exes, or the person they met once, or find video games or sports more interesting. It’s about gaining power from the victims they destabilise, keeping them in a prison of self-doubt and confusion. Triangulation is a game to them; it makes them feel powerful, involving a third party and having their victim feel insecure, ignored, and competing for their attention. Triangulation erodes self-worth and keeps the narcissist in control.

Taking your power back: recognising manipulation and healing from erosion

Triangulation can be subtle, yet extremely damaging. It’s an invisible form of abuse which slowly erodes your self-esteem and self-worth as you seek the narcissist’s approval. Triangulation begins during the love bombing phase and becomes weaponised during sustained devaluation. The effects of this manipulation can be felt particularly after the discard when there’s a diminished sense of self.

The first step to healing from triangulation is recognising the manipulation for what it is. It is a narcissist using another person to erode your self-worth so that they can feel powerful and in control. To begin building self-worth, read my article on how to build self-worth after abuse.

Narcissistic triangulation: communicating psychically

One interesting thing to know about narcissistic triangulation is that communication can happen psychically. A narcissist might only mention an ex or a person they met once or a few times, and the rest of the triangulation is psychic. It might sound crazy, but some narcissists operate more on a psychic level, triangulating with victims and feeding off past supply in the psychic realm. That means ongoing verbal communication is not necessary for them to gain power from the emotional energy and reactions from others — they can garner it through psychic communication and feeding.

The explanation for this is likely the fact that narcissists are predatory in their nature, creating hooks and cords to the people they wound deeply. There also appears to be a spiritual aspect to narcissism, which is why narcissistic abuse is spiritual warfare. Narcissism is a parasitic energy, feeding off the unawareness of those who are vulnerable to their manipulation.

Triangulation is Wetiko

Narcissism connects to Wetiko, a term for a psychic “mind virus” of exploitativeness, lack of empathy, and need for admiration. When trapped in narcissistic manipulation, one is unconsciously feeding Wetiko while caught in a low vibration that feeds off fear. The antidote to this is to withdraw engagement from narcissists and find internal validation and self-worth so that triangulation games no longer affect you. When you eliminate negative influences that cause feelings of unworthiness, you can create a space for true healing and personal growth. To get started, read my article on rebuilding self-worth and identity after narcissistic abuse.

Narcissist psychopaths: pathological liars

Narcissists tend to lie to some degree, but not all narcissists are pathological liars. Narcissists who lie pathologically are often not just narcissists but psychopaths, too. These can be troublesome individuals to encounter because there can be no end to the lies they will tell. They can pretend to be single and fabricate entire triangulation stories, like seeing someone they’ve only met once, to make a source of supply jealous. These types of narcissists weave lies and chaos everywhere they go — deceiving multiple people at once and using others as props in their manipulation games. Many narcissists use ex-partners for triangulation, but narcissists who are pathological liars will use people who aren’t even in their lives to spin lies and keep others destabilised.

It’s not about the person they’re using to triangulate. The narcissist is using the person as a triangulation prop to gain narcissistic supply from the people they’re trying to hurt and control. Narcissists like these are often under disguise, operating stealthily in an undercover, covert way.

No consent: used as a triangulation prop

The unfortunate reality of triangulation is that those who are used by a narcissist to triangulate with their source of supply do not consent to it. An ex of a narcissist or the person they met once are often unaware that the narcissist is using them to create jealousy and confusion for another individual. The triangulation is happening without an external challenge. That person is long-gone out of the picture or not even in the picture to begin with. The narcissist is responsible for the manipulation they are inflicting upon others, not the person they are using to triangulate.

Breaking free from the grasp of narcissistic triangulation

In this article, we’ve explored how triangulation is a manipulation tactic a narcissist uses to destabilise sources of supply. They can use a wide variety of people as triangulation props, but it can also be a place or an object. Signs of triangulation include feelings of comparison, inadequacy, and low self-worth. Triangulation feeds the narcissist’s false self, giving them narcissistic supply to make them feel powerful and in control of others. The key to breaking free from the grasp of narcissistic triangulation is to understand the manipulation taking place, disengage from abusers, and begin cultivating internal validation and self-worth.

For more insights, grab your free eBook, Healing Through Conscious Awareness, to kickstart your healing process. It’s a practical, actionable framework that empowers you to reclaim your sense of self.

If this article resonates with you and you’d like additional support, my inbox is always open for enquiries. My expertise can gently guide you through narcissistic abuse recovery process, helping you regain clarity, freedom, and inner strength.